I’ve felt enormous pressure since Sam died to be better, to be ‘ok’. People in general don’t know how to deal with you if you’re not. The silences become longer, the conversations shorter and then non existent, the invitations to social gatherings start disappearing. people avoid catching your gaze, not wanting to linger too much lest you start a conversation and god forbid talk about your dead child. You start to feel transparent, like you’re becoming more and more invisible. Like you’re being consumed by the nothing. People don’t like what they don’t understand or are afraid of and there’s a huge amount of misunderstanding surrounding death by suicide. They died of an illness even more fatal than cancer but with a stigma that means those left behind are not allowed to vocalise their grief. It is the biggest killer of men under 45 yet they recieve some of the least help. So little funding goes into tackling this issue and we should be utterly ashamed of that.
Breaking the taboo
It’s rather ironic that I’ve spent the entirety of world suicide prevention day feeling incredibly suicidal.
I know it’ll pass but that doesn’t make it any easier while I’m like this.
As bleak and depressed as I get the one thing that stops me from going through it is the uncertainty I’d bring into the children’s lives.
Until I could be sure they’d all stay together with the only true father they’ve had I couldn’t leave.
Being able to talk frankly about how I feel prevents me from listening to the internal diagonal I struggle with on a daily basis.
The one that tells me I’m not good enough, that I’m a burden to everyone, that they’d be happier without me, that my life is a mess because of me, that everything I touch turns to shit, that everyone hates me…
For the most amount I don’t listen to it but sometimes it screams so loudly it’s hard not to, it’s at it’s loudest on a Sunday and Monday.
I struggle the most with the school run, the entire way home it tells me that I should just step in front of a lorry, that it’ll stop my heart from hurting so much, that it’ll be the best for everyone if I wasn’t here.
It leaves me drained and defenceless for a while…
But then I tell someone how I feel and the voices quieten for a while and I’m safe for another day.
A band aid for the brain
If a loved one was to fall and hurt their knee you’d know what to do right? What if was their mental health that was in need of first aid, would you know what to do then? There’s still a stigma attached to mental illnesses and this desperately need addressed.
What is mental health?
Sometimes people are not sure what mental health is and feel a bit afraid of it. Think about physical health. That doesn’t have the same negative impact does it? Our physical health can be good or poor and it can vary from day to day. When our physical health is good we can enjoy life to the full.
At other times we can be unwell and this can last for weeks or months. Or we might be unwell just for a couple of days then we are back to normal. Sometimes our physical health is poor because we haven’t taken good care of ourselves or because we were born with a tendency to certain illnesses. When we are unwell we are likely to have less energy and motivation and find taking part in work or play more difficult.
All of these things are true of mental health. The main difference between physical and mental health is that our emotions, our ability to work and our relationships are the main things to be influenced by our mental health.
When our mental health is positive we can cope with ups and downs. Our mood is stable and we feel optimistic. When we are mentally unwell we may experience mental or emotional pain. Our mood may be low and we might lose confidence in our ability to cope with life´s challenges. Sometimes we can have long term mental health problems, just as we can get longer lasting physical illnesses… and we can recover in much the same way.
Of course the other big difference is that you can´t get a mental health problem from someone else – it isn´t catching like the flu. Physical and mental health have an effect on each other. If your physical health is poor your mental health is likely to be low. If your mental health is poor you are more likely to get physically ill.
The good news is that you can make a difference to your own mental health. Scotland´s Mental Health First Aid is one of the ways that helps you make a difference to your own and other people´s mental health
Mental Health First Aid (MHFA) was first developed in Australia by Betty Kitchener and her husband Professor Anthony Jorm. Like most brilliant ideas it came about in a very ordinary way. Betty and Tony were walking their dog one day when they realized that there was no mental health equivalent of physical first aid. This germ of an idea led to an internationally recognized program of simple steps that can be used to help a person in distress.
In 2003 Betty Kitchener brought the course over to Scotland and trained a number of instructors who then piloted the course throughout Scotland, Such was the enthusiastic response to the Australian course that the formerly named Scottish Executive funded the development of a Scottish course based on MHFA principles.
In 2004 Scottish materials were developed and the National Training Team was commissioned to begin training instructors from all over Scotland.
Currently there are over 300 SMHFA instructors in Scotland and more than 40,000 people have attended the training.
The SMHFA programme
The SMHFA course takes 12 hours to complete. It can be presented in a range of formats to suit different groups. The course must be presented by a qualified SMHFA instructor and quality is continuously monitored by NHS Health Scotland.
The course can be presented in the following formats:
- 2 full days
- 4 half days
- 6 two-hour sessions.
The following is a brief outline of what is covered on the course:
- guidance on being a Mental Health First Aider
- attitudes to mental health issues
- equalities
- the recovery message
- the impact of alcohol and drugs on mental health
- introduction to suicide intervention
- listening skills
- understanding depression
- how to offer first aid to someone experiencing depression
- understanding anxiety
- how to offer first aid to someone experiencing anxiety
- understanding psychosis
- how to offer first aid to someone experiencing a psychotic episode.
The course does not train people to be mental health workers. It offers basic general information about mental health problems. The knowledge presented and understanding developed in the course helps to remove stigma and fear and to give confidence in approaching a person in distress.
Mental Health First Aid is an initial response to distress and all participants on the course understand that this help is given only until other suitable or professional help can be found.
Does SMHFA work?
Mental health first aid has been rigorously evaluated in Scotland. Participants reported a range of benefits to their own and others mental health.
People have given us many examples of the benefits of SMHFA.
Here are just a few:
- A person who was considering suicide was helped and given time to reconsider. Afterwards they knew that they didn’t really want to die.
- Someone with severe depression was helped to think about recovery and to find ways to help herself.
- Participants on the courses have reported that their own mental health has improved after the course
- After the training people say that they feel more confident about approaching a person who appears distressed.
We know that:
- When we offer to help kindly and without judging or talking down to a person they often feel relieved and comforted.
- When we listen without judging and without immediately trying to fix problems a person will often talk through the crisis and feel calmer and more able to get appropriate help.
- When we understand the nature of mental health problems they are not so frightening.
You too can learn how to:
- help in a crisis such as a panic attack or suicidal thoughts and feelings
- ask questions that will help the person
- listen without judgment and give the person space to talk about how they feel
- give relevant information about help that is available.
You can join a course or arrange a course in your place of work or club.
About recovery
Many people assume that when a person gets a diagnosis of a serious mental health problem they will have it for the rest of their lives.
This is a myth. People recover from mental health problems. In fact, in some cases you have a better chance of recovery from a mental health problem than from a physical illness.
Recovery means different things to different people. It is a very personal experience. It may not mean an absence of symptoms but it does mean living a fulfilled life in which the person has control over their own wellbeing and recovery.
Here are some important thoughts and ideas about recovery:
- recovery is a journey not a destination
- all of us have recovered from something in our lives
- many of the things that help us to recover are the same for everyone
- it is most helpful to identify ourselves according to strengths and wellness rather than problems and illness
- relationships that are based on hope and trust and a belief in the possibility of recovery are very important.
Mental health first aiders are encouraged to remind others of the message of recovery and to apply it when offering to help another person.
The Scottish Recovery Network aims to engage communities across Scotland in debate on how best to promote and support recovery from long-term mental health problems. Members of the network tell their own stories on the Scottish Recovery Network (external link) website.
details of your local course can be found on these websites:
http://www.aware-ni.org/tag/mental-health-first-aid/
https://www.restore.org.uk/training/mhfa-training
if you do not live in the UK and would like help finding provisions in your area please don’t hesitate in asking and I will help as much as possible.
I am looking into organizing a course to be held in Perth, Scotland. Please get in touch if you’re interested in taking part.
One conversation can change a life
This is my son, his name is Sam.
On February 20th he left for school as usual in his taxi, his last sight of me was rushing around in my pjs trying to find his sister knickers for school.
I didn’t say goodbye as he left, and that will hurt me till the day I die.
Mondays are busy, his sister had gymnastics.
His light wasn’t on when we got home, he wasn’t in his room so worried I went to call the school.
There was 1 missed call…
It rang 2 times and I was put straight through to head of education, alarm bells started ringing immediately as I had a good relationship with the secretary and we always spoke first.
This is what I was told,
‘I’m so sorry, we found Sam. We tried to save him but there was nothing we could do. I tried to call you. the police are on their way’
I don’t remember much past that…
At the end of the school day when tuck shop was opening and everyone getting ready to go home Sam hung himself in a small single toilet, he used an extension cable and put it on the hook on the back of the door.
He was dead when they found him, there was nothing they could do.
He’d left no note or given any indication that he was going to do this.
We didn’t get to say goodbye.
6 months ago today we buried him, he was wearing his purple dms and his trench coat.
My brother and my very good friend sung this at the funeral, he had the most amazing purple coffin.
I still don’t remember most of it.
no one should have to bury their child…
We can all help prevent suicide. Every year, the Samaritans and other mental health organizations and individuals across the U.K. and around the world raise awareness of suicide prevention during September, National Suicide Prevention Month.
#BeThe1To is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline’s message for National Suicide Prevention Month and beyond, which helps spread the word about actions we can all take to prevent suicide. The Lifeline network and its partners are working to change the conversation from suicide to suicide prevention, to actions that can promote healing, help and give hope.
Ask
Research shows people who are having thoughts of suicide feel relief when someone asks after them in a caring way. Findings suggest acknowledging and talking about suicide may reduce rather than increase suicidal idealization.
Keep Them Safe
A number of studies have indicated that when lethal means are made less available or less deadly, suicide rates by that method decline, and frequently suicide rates overall decline.
Be There
Individuals are more likely to feel less depressed, less suicidal, less overwhelmed, and more hopeful by after speaking to someone who listens without judgment.
Help Them Stay Connected
Studies indicate that helping someone at risk create a network of resources and individuals for support and safety can help them take positive action and reduce feelings of hopelessness.
Follow Up
Studies have also shown that brief, low cost intervention and supportive, ongoing contact may be an important part of suicide prevention, especially for individuals after they have been discharged from hospitals or care services.
Fuck it
Why ‘fuck it’ as the title of my first post? A lot of things I do seem to be initiated with those two quite small words, this blog for example.
I’m not very good at organizing things in advance, in fact I frequently say I have the organisational skills of a 2 year old and that would be giving me the benefit of the doubt.
I tend to go for the flying by the seat of my knickers way of living and it does me just fine, my husband… well he’s a taurus so you can guess what he thinks about that.
It also seems to feature heavily in my parenting style, this morning after an enormous meltdown from A I decided ‘fuck it’ she could eat breakfast while watching telly, it just so happened that she was naked and breakfast was an ice lolly.
It also featured heavily in my choice of breakfast when an entire packet of biscuits was inhaled with my morning gallon of tea. I blame not sleeping but really it’s because chocolate biscuits are fucking amazing, right!
It’s all about choosing your battles really isn’t it… and when you’ve had no sleep you’re going to go for the theon greyjoy school of self preservation.
anyway I’ve half an hour before I need to start getting ready for the school run and claras asleep so fuck it, I’ll make a cuppa and play some banished
tattie bye
#suicidepreventionmonth #suicideprevention #mentalhealthmatters #asd #lgbtqiplus #translivesmatter
marbleslostsendhelp 